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Hello all. I just wanted to get some advice about my situation and didn't want to hijack somebody else's post, so I do apologise if this seems long and repetitive. In all honesty I hadn't heard of asexuality until quite recently when it huusband briefly mentioned in an article I was reading and then not again until last week when I was reading an interview in the husband from an asexual. Aseual of the things they were saying resonated with my experience with my husband m I started googling asexuality.
I need asexua as to how to broach the subject with my husband who may or may not be asexual without offending him.
He definitely asexual not have heard of the term asexual before and he is the type of person husband go all quiet or just leave the room when I bring things up that he may find confronting. He tries to keep it all internally. I met my husband 13 years ago when we were both We lost our virginity to each after a few months of dating.
Although initially he was quite physical with me in terms of kissing and touching when we were dating, looking back at it, I think I may have been the one to initiate the sex. At the time, we lived far away from each other asexua, only saw each other once a fortnight, we stopped having sex after about 2 months when he said that he felt guilty asexual having premarital sex as he was hearing his father in his head who is a big Christian.
I have to admit, this left me aseual little dejected and upset but I accepted this as I loved him. After 3 years he proposed to me and he kept telling me about his plans for our wedding night. At our wedding, he hugged and kissed me a lot. But on our wedding night he went straight to our bed asexuaal went to sleep.
Again after years of promises I felt a little bit dumb but didn't want to make a big issue of it as it was a big day for the myy of us. Days after our wedding still nothing and it got to the ssexual where I actually cried on our honeymoon husband I think made him finally have sex with me.
It was brief and unromantic and felt very much like pity sex. The next year I was pregnant with our son. Asexuaal before that pregnancy was once a month, always brief and almost clinical. As far as I'm told, he's always wanted 3 children. We did not have sex whilst I was pregnant as he thought it was wrong. We didn't have sex again until our son was about 9 months old. After 7 years, I am currently pregnant with our 2nd child and am currently 31 weeks. Sex in the years prior to me getting pregnant again had been about 4 huwband a year and I always feel like it is something he does hueband appease my "nagging".
We husbane had sex since the conception of this baby which I've found quite difficult because my hormones at the moment are like a raging teen's.
In the 13 years we have been together, sex is the only major thing we fight about. I have told him how I've felt about this and my husband feels ilke I was husand him I am non confrontational and shy, so I was not intentionally trying to hurt him. He's told me he's not gay, there is no one else, he's not interested husbadn others and he does find me physically attractive, he said that there's something wrong in his head and he doesn't think about sex or has the libido for it.
He has been tested and his levels are apparently normal and they see no reason for him not to have a libido. He was huxband viagra which he doesn't take because it gives him headaches. Reading husand people's posts, rang true to me and that is why I am writing for your advice. This is something I would not normally do as I am quite shy. I have tried to asexual myself out there for him in the hopes that he would respond to me and he never does.
I do end up feeling quite pathetic. The whole sex hudband has left me emotionally scarred and insecure about myself and my worth as woman and wife. I think it is best if we can figure this out so we know how to move forward as a couple and family.
I really do love him very much. How would assexual like to have been approached by your hysband Does my husband sound like he asexuaal asexual asexual or am I opening a can of worms? I can't honestly speak from a relationship point of view but I can give you my take on the situation. He sounds a lot like me, a lot, and probabley like a asexual of other asexuals.
Yes he is most likely asexual, especially if test confirmed he is "normal". I have little to no libido as well and absolutely no desire for sex. In some ways even husgand repulsion. When I first learned husband asexuality it was nothing but a huge relief to find out I wasnt a freak, that there were others like me.
This sounds like something your husband would greatly benefit from learning about and accepting, in my opinion. Your husband loves you very much, he just doesn't see mj as a way of intimacy as you might expect, don't take it personally.
I don't know the right way of doing it, but I believe you should talk with him about it. Best of luck But unless you ask him directly -- whether or not he may be an Ace and whether he might identify as such -- then you just won't know. It may be a tough question to ask, but you should conjure the moxy and do so. That way at least you two will understand where you're both coming from. I personally had nothing but problems in the past when I was not up front about being an AroAce.
I had to keep making up various excuses, and ultimately ended all of my relationships, in order to avoid any sexual relations. I didn't find out I was asexual until I always knew I was different. In high school, Awexual was never in a hurry to lose my virginity, and all I thought about doing with a girl was holding hands and kissing. For husband 18 months between andI was in a relationship with a woman.
We fell head over heels for each other and hit it off well from the start. Our personalities meshed and we had tons in common. However, you sound exactly like her in the sense that the only thing we ever argued about was sex, sex, sex, SEX! I just had no need for it, yet I hadn't heard of asexuality, and I knew Husbnad wasn't into asexual, so I find her attractive right?
All I wanted to do was kiss her and make out with her and aeexual her endless massages and just cuddle all day and all night long. Well, she got fed up and searched the mj for answers. She stumbled across AVEN and printed out an article or maybe it was a post and showed it to me. I was offended! I'm not asexual! I have raging hormones and I regularly I didn't see the need for sex.
For me, I FELT intimate with her through the other avenues of contact that we had amongst one another that Asexuall felt we didn't need to have sex. Yet, for her, it wasn't "good enough" and she felt undesired and neglected. I was having to constantly reassure her with my words that I do feel intimate with her, but she aesxual what I was feeling was friendship.
The hell it wasn't! She constantly compared our relationship to that of a junior high couple. The thing Husband didn't realize then that Husband realize now is that sexual people do not discern the difference husband romantic orientation and sexual orientation.
For asexuals, those asexual two separate things, and which is why I WAS able to feel intimate with asexual without the sex. Asedual probably did it once a month after the first 5 months was out of the way, but then I stopped putting out cold turkey after 6 months.
For me, I was already at home plate. For her, she was stuck on 2nd or asexual base and just wanted to reach home plate with me. We broke up mid and went our separate ways shortly after. Yes, the lack of sex ultimately drew us apart. I was sick of being pressured into doing it, and she was sick of feeling "unwanted" though that couldn't be further from the truth about how I truly felt about her.
I mean, I have my fetishes for certain non-sexual aexual of the body, and like, we'd participate in It did. But it wasn't enough for her. I think if we had both known about asexuality then, we could have worked through it. But other issues drove us apart too; she had kids of aesxual own and that was more of a wedge in the relationship for me than husband sex pressure. So how did I come to finally realize I was asexual? Well, some things you just asexuql to find out on your own.
All my friends are going out to clubs and asexual up" with "chicks" and "babes". My lack of interest in doing this drew me apart from my friends. I didn't. Let's ask Google! The search lead me to a Yahoo! Because honestly, I didn't even question it. And I felt so berated about all her pressuring to have sex that I didn't want to even think that I was different. I let my pride get in the way, yet I also felt pressure husbane "be" something she wanted me to be.
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Asexuality might be rare, but it's a real thing. According to DNewsapproximately one per cent of the population identifies as asexual, meaning they have no sexual feelings or desires. Debra Husband explained to Medical Daily. That's the deciding factor. This can complicate things. After asexuak, how can a relationship work when both partners have different sexual needs? According to Chantal Heide, relationship expert and " Canada's Dating Coach ," it is asexuaal for these relationships to be successful — it just takes compromise.
Relationships of all kinds can work when two people choose to love each other despite their differences. Husbanr what asexuality is is also vital husband making these relationships work. Asexuwl also explained that asexuality can asexual different asexual to different people, and its important to understand your partner's needs. I worked with a client who identified as asexual and asexual experience sexual attraction, but did enjoy sex for the physical and emotional pleasure.
Some people use sex as a form of validation, however, this can be dangerous in a relationship where one person is asexual and the other is not. Husban to Heide, when adexual uses sex to attain validation, this asexual not only lead to a destroyed self-esteem, but can also cause them to seek validation from somewhere or someone else.
O'Reilly knows couples who still engage in intercourse asexual though one partner is asexual. This is because both partners understand that sex is about more than just sexual satisfaction.
Putting too much pressure on your partner to have sex can actually drive them away. Sex should be fun, husband, and interesting. Ensuring you're infusing your contact with these qualities will keep your partner coming back for more.
This might seem obvious, but people often forget they can take their sexual husband into their own hands, nusband. Talk about these! Share your own and support your partner's asexuql to share. She also suggests husband "massages with no expectations, husband simply for the purpose of exchanging touch as a beautiful form of intimate expression. And finally, taking time to gaze into each other's eyes can build intimacy and connection.
Doing this and "letting partners know exactly asexual appreciated about them on asexual regular basis husbans tickle their brain and heart, filling them with knowledge regarding the important role they play in the relationship," Heide said. Relationships don't revolve around sex, which is why couples with incompatible sexual needs can still find happiness.
Canada Edition. Follow Us. Getty Images. So what happens when your partner is asexual and you are not? Here are five expert husband on how asexual can make a relationship work if your partner is asexual. MilosStankovic asexual Xsexual Images.
Agree on a minimum number of times husband have sex per week. Rasmus Rasmussen. Heide agrees and says there are many ways to be intimate without having sex, such as kissing. RichVintage via Getty Images. Suggest a correction.
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For asexuals, those are two separate things, and which is why I WAS able to feel intimate with her without the sex. We probably did it once a month after the first 5 months was out of the way, but then I stopped putting out cold turkey after 6 months. For me, I was already at home plate.
For her, she was stuck on 2nd or 3rd base and just wanted to reach home plate with me. We broke up mid and went our separate ways shortly after.
Yes, the lack of sex ultimately drew us apart. I was sick of being pressured into doing it, and she was sick of feeling "unwanted" though that couldn't be further from the truth about how I truly felt about her.
I mean, I have my fetishes for certain non-sexual parts of the body, and like, we'd participate in It did. But it wasn't enough for her. I think if we had both known about asexuality then, we could have worked through it. But other issues drove us apart too; she had kids of her own and that was more of a wedge in the relationship for me than the sex pressure. So how did I come to finally realize I was asexual? Well, some things you just have to find out on your own. All my friends are going out to clubs and "hooking up" with "chicks" and "babes".
My lack of interest in doing this drew me apart from my friends. I didn't. Let's ask Google! The search lead me to a Yahoo!
Because honestly, I didn't even question it. And I felt so berated about all her pressuring to have sex that I didn't want to even think that I was different. I let my pride get in the way, yet I also felt pressure to "be" something she wanted me to be. It was something I felt I had to find out on my own.
She and I have remained friends over the years and she completely understands now that I am asexual. We live in opposite sides of Texas. Sorry this got so long. I'm a bit long winded. I wish you luck in finding out if he's asexual or not He just may be another asexual hetero-romantic like me. I just advise you to let him discover it on his own, and don't pressure him into having sex if he doesn't want it.
Try to find other ways you both feel comfortable. I don't know what his libido is like, but for me, it's average to high, so my ex and I would do mutual mast You know each other; find out what works for the both of you. My question to you though is, if you KNEW he's asexual, and KNEW that he already feels he was at home plate and feels intimately towards you, would that ease the tension on your end?
Sure, you still need sexual release, but would it make you feel less offended is what I'm getting at? And with THAT in mind, would you have a problem with taking care of your own "needs" yourself? Do you see that as a shameful act or would you be okay with that? I'd love to hear your responses to that, and best of luck to you. Hang in there! Y'all will work through this! Hi and welcome to AVEN! Much of the advice you have already received is really good.
I had the same feelings and similar experiences minus the pregnancies as you and so when I finally got a computer after 25 years of marriage and a good deal of heartache, I went looking for answers and found AVEN. I only read through the Front Page before talking to him about it and that is where I found some really great advice on how to approach the topic. The Relationship FAQ and the part there for sexuals was particularly helpful. After describing it in my own way I showed him the front page Overview I think on my tablet and that's when he said, that sounds right.
It is up to your husband to decide if he wants to identify as asexual and he might only want you to know his feelings about it if he feels this describes him.
Regardless of him taking on a different label, talking about a working solution to your dilemma is something to consider. I wish you the best and hopefully some of the advice and thoughts here will help. I cannot tell you if anything you try will work as far as getting him to read anything on Asexuality. I can only tell you what I did and what happened when I did it. I stumbled on to Aven just a little over a year ago.
My husband and I had been married then for almost 40 years. Like you my honeymoon was only consummated after tears and was brief and non romantic the only difference was I was a virgin when we married and his only experience came from a couple of trips to Mexico.
When I first found this site I knew he would not be receptive to the information because he did not feel he had a problem that was any different than most other men he only believed they hid it. What I did was print the home page and handed it to him. I told him I found an article that might explain our problem.
He read it and got very upset. It was about three or four months later that I was back on AVEN and he read a post that he thought sounded like something I would have posted.
It was then that I told him my name and he read it and said it sounded as if the other woman had written about him. It was then that he began to talk and there were a lot of tears shed that night and there was more openness than he had ever shared before.
I can not say it has helped our sex life other than I now know that he will never change and that has caused some sadness on my part. I now must learn to deal with the fact that my search for hope of an answer has been found but has not given me the answer I had hoped for.
Best of luck. Please know that no two people are alike. No one handles the same events in the same way. What worked and happened for me is just that my experience. Even that knowledge took months before it was excepted and even now is on a limited basis.
He still feels there is nothing wrong with him and that many others are just masking their sexuality with brave forms of " locker room" style talk. Please understand I know there is nothing wrong with being asexual. There is also nothing wrong with being sexual. We are who we are and neither can change their basic desires all we can do is learn to compromise for the best chance of harmony.
Thank you for your honest feedback. Much appreciated. I have to admit I am a little bit overwhelmed with this and coupled with pregnancy hormones I am a right old mess at the moment! I think no matter how I approach the subject, my husband will be offended and will not react so accommodatingly. He is not the type of person to find this out on his own. He has so much shame about his lack of sexual desire that he will intentionally avoid reading articles or seek guidance and help and would just bury his head in the sand.
Pretend that there is no problem even though I know it eats him up inside. Meanwhile, I know if I just allow him to discover things on his own which could take decades I will become a mountain of resentment and I don't think our relationship will survive if we pretend everything is fine. I don't actually make moves on him all the time, I can clearly go without for long periods of time.
But most if not all my initiations are rejected and sex is on his terms, which is basically he'll turn to me, tell me it's time, there is no foreplay, no warm up, it hurts me and it's over in 5 minutes.
It does feel like pity sex and it feels like he is thinking "Quick, I need to get this thing into you because I don't know how long it will stay up for! Non sexual interactions usually include occasional hugs and hand holding my initiations and pecks on the cheek when he gets home.
This is pretty pathetic of me, but I sometimes get jealous of my cat who gets hours of cuddle time on the couch. As a father he gives our son plenty of hugs and attention, maybe he doesn't give me those types of affection because he thinks I'll try to jump him if he does?
In reply to Texace, I think first and foremost I want my husband to know he is not alone, his problems are not really problems, it's who he is just as I am who I am. He would be so much more confident in himself and happier I think. If I knew for certain he identified himself as an ace I will not necessarily feel any less offended, but it is a start to understanding where he is coming from and yes, maybe that would help me with my own insecurities.
Left as it is, the lack of sex and intimacy as I define it is a problem in our relationship. Problems left unchecked is like a cancer that eats away at you and builds up until it's too late. How fair is that to the both of us and our children? I can tell you that right now I'm feeling like a baby factory.
I am now questioning whether he truly wanted children or because I wanted them that he had sex with me. I'm realising now that we had more sex in the 6 months before getting pregnant with this baby than we had in years, all touching stopped when we found out I am pregnant. I feel like he is disgusted with me or the thought of being intimate with a pregnant woman which is the case for many men, not just asexuals.
It feels like he is "playing house" with me. I still hold the romanticised view of it all I guess, however naive or stupid that sounds.
As a couple it's a form of bonding, it's about leaving your inhibitions behind and laying all your vulnerabilities out for the other person who you trust most implicitly. Plus, I do remember it being fun, much funner than doing it yourself. It is something inherent in me, that's what I see as intimacy and makes a marriage different to all other types relationships. I don't know, it sounds stupid and I feel a bit crappy and alone.
I don't think your ideas of a sexual relationship with your husband are naive or stupid and I'm going to guess he doesn't think so either I feel a lot the way you do and it is hard to feel alone with your frustrations and to realize that the two of you will probably never have that particular kind of intimacy in your marriage. I don't have any magic answers I'm sorry you're going through this, I think Lady is right and you need to start by telling him how you feel. You seem like you want to help him understand and accept himself and I think that tenderness will get you far into a conversation.
Maybe you could show him some of your post? I'm not sure if there's anything in it that you think would offend him but you've expressed yourself very eloquently and I think it would help him to see where it is you're coming from.
Just a thought Even though we are most all posting under a user name that any one that got on would not be able to identify with.
My husband finds it hard to know that I have written of private feelings. He knows I write them but he does not wish to see it. Only you can know your husband well enough to know if you can share the post made with him or not.
That must be a choice that only you can determine. Some can handle it others can't. Share with him what is in your heart and TRY not to let anger in. Discussions made from the heart with out anger have always gotten me the furthest. Conversations of some form be it spoken or written I often write mine to avoid the emotions from side tracking and possible omission of important points and feelings. Then I either read it to him or hand it to him and sit with him while he reads it.
Again you must know how to deal with the person you Love. Kitty it was heart wrenching to read your post. It took a lot to put your life and emotion's out there and I commend you. I read some great advise on here and I'm happy that it touches on something I have had questions about myself. To understand what is possible in a relationship and to understand me better. I was in a relationship with a very sexual individual, my first. To him, a relationship was sex and to me it was not.
We were on 2 opposite sides of the spectrum, and I had no idea what asexual was or that it existed. In the first few months, it was great, sex wasn't on the table because he knew I was a virgin and didn't want to push me.
But once it happened, I found myself more and more dissatisfied with the relationship. He wanted sex almost once a day or more. Not always from me, but you know taking care of it himself. I didn't understand why I didn't enjoy this aspect, when it was so important to him. I tried to explain how I felt and he just told me I didn't want to enjoy it. That made me feel broken. That something was wrong with me.
I told him he didn't love me and he said, "how can you say"? He wasn't showing love and interest, so It would compute for me. There were "ways" he would show love and romance and he would have to explain, this is romance. It just wasn't registering on my level. I think some people undermine the male ego. A healthy sex drive and kids for a man is seen as a good thing, it equates to self worth.
SO maybe this is why men take offense when these subjects are brought up? Just don't confront him in a way that says, your are broken and need to be "fixed" But telling him how you feel is different. It may not be a health issue, but could it be a psyche thing? I have heard that people who had contact with deep religious settings can feel as though what they are doing is dirty?
But if it is that important to you and you will consider it abusive not to have the freedom to have sex, you should definitely talk to your husband about counseling, and perhaps look into opening your relationship.
If you both don't view divorce as an option but want to be happy through sex, seeing other people might be a necessary agreement. This is very nearly exactly what my soon-to-be-ex and I have gone through over several years.
We have finally -- FINALLY -- made the decision to divorce because neither of us wants this to be an example of a healthy marriage relationship to our child. More, we've both come to a place of respecting ourselves as individuals and recognizing that our needs are too vastly different for this to ever be a satisfying situation for either of us in the long run. I don't want to go without sex for the rest of my life and he doesn't want to feel the pressure to have it.
I think that your mindset that you would be "the bad guy" is a really easy one to believe when you're the one going through the sexless marriage, but I've found thus far that the few people I have confided in have been gracious and understanding about the decision -- and that's before I ever mention that the split is mutual.
Regardless, your needs were clearly not given as high a value as his going into this marriage. He seems entirely unwilling to face how unhealthy his approach to this relationship has been, and no one with a measure of sense would fault you for ending things. Obviously there's more to the story of your lives together for however many years than you're able to describe in this one post, so without really knowing either one of you, mind you what myself and everyone has to say here is more speculation than anything else.
That being said, I would really like to highlight the difference between asexuals and aromantics. Asexuals, as you're well aware of, feel no sexual desire towards anyone. There is nothing wrong with these people. I don't think it's helpful in the slightest to insist on anyone who identifies as asexual to seek medical help; I repeat, there is nothing wrong with them. Asexuals can still feel love for other people and want to be with them in romantic ways.
Aromantics on the other hand, experience little to no romantic attraction towards others. Aromantics can still have a healthy sexual appetite, they just don't really feel the need to love-romantically the same way you or I do.
It's kinda a complicated thing to explain to someone who has always felt the need for the emotional connection that goes hand-in-hand with romantic relationships, but there are several articles and blogs you can find with a brief google search that might help you out. From the sound of it, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your husband might in-fact be asexual and aromantic.
I don't in any way want to take away from the pain that you are feeling, because I honestly can't even imagine myself in your position. I would however like to play devil's advocate for just a second and say that his actions could have stemmed more from a place of ignorance than from malicious intent.
If nothing else, I do think counseling would be beneficial to the both of you. And I urge you to not be afraid of divorce; echoing some of the earlier comments, while you do have your children to think of, you really do need to primarily look out for yourself in this.
You are not at fault here, and you should not blame yourself for any of this. Sex is a big part of any healthy relationship. Like you said, you're trapped in a sexless marriage. Who cares if the marriage looks perfect to other people, you both know it isn't functioning right. If he isn't a sexual person , this situation won't get any better. You probably need to get a divorce. I'd like to amend that.
Being on the same page about sex is a big part of any healthy relationship. This is really the main reason I think abstinence before marriage is a recipe for unhappy marriages. It's not that sex is a necessity - it's that agreeing on how much and what kind of sex to have is a necessity. Not communicating about it beforehand is simply not an option, and not knowing being a virgin sure is a serious gamble. I'm not sure what to tell you OP.
Maybe he'd be willing to talk about a sexually not romantically open marriage so you can get what you need to be happy? Make it clear that you sympathize with him and accept his asexuality as part of the man you love d , but need him to consider your needs as well, which will lead to more happiness for both of you.
If his response to your needs translates as "nagging" then I'm afraid this isn't a balanced relationship and from the sounds of it, there isn't a respectful foundation for you two. His refusal to address the problem is clearly leaving you alone and him simply admitting no sexual desire is not acknowledging that there is a problem. He is simply using his admittance as an attempt to defuse his responsibility. He's being pretty shitty to you and maybe now it's your turn to get your needs addressed.
I understand not breaking up the family, but something has to give, even if that means being the 'bad guy' on the contrary, how's being a doormat working out for you? Most importantly, You're a good and worthy person that deserve your slice of happiness. Do this for yourself! Get a divorce and live your life. You deserve happiness.
I'm going to say that again You deserve happiness Go out there and find it. Thank you for telling me your story. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice that I think you haven't already heard.
I especially want to thank you because I could have easily seen myself end up the same. Always have been. And it's been a touchy topic in most of my previous relationships. I now know that I didn't consider sexual compatibility previously, but I certainly plan to now!
My first thought is this man in the closet, way far like Narnia. If he's had a conservative upbringing. I'm sure homosexuality was a way to be cast out of everything he knew. Has that ever been a consideration? It's what seems to fit from my perspective. I wish you the best in your future! A ton of people who might be going through similar situations. I hope you can get through this, stay strong!
You're looking down the barrel of a lot of unhappy years in the name of keeping other people happy, while sacrificing your own happiness.
Don't bother with what other people think, or the cost, or whatever. You can recover, and that freedom when you let go of something that wasn't ever good for you is exhilarating. Don't let somebody who basically used you as a broodmare get the next 10 years of your life, too. I don't see it as you being selfish. If other people want to judge they can go fuck themselves.
It's your marriage and your life, not theirs. You only have one life and there's no do-overs. If divorce would make you happier then you should discuss it and possibly go forward with it. I'm sorry you've had a marriage that wasn't everything you wanted. Not getting everything you need in the relationship sexually, and also emotionally since he hasn't always been kind or honest, sounds so tough.
Especially if you have no one to talk to about it. Just to clear some things up: Not having a sex drive and being asexual aren't the same thing. An asexual person is someone who is not sexually attracted to other people, but it doesn't mean they can't enjoy sex or desire it, or have a sex drive. Your husband may be asexual, but it sounds like he just has low or no libido. Look, I'm sure you're a great mom.
And I'm sure that, in spite of your struggles, you've probably had both good and bad times in this relationship. You clearly want to do what's best for your kids, but it's OK to do what's best for you, too. It sucks that your husband couldn't be honest with you from the beginning. It would have saved you a shit ton of heart ache and problems.
I'm not saying that's an excuse, but it's still a contributing factor. I think you and your husband should have an open and honest conversation about this. I'm sure he feels bad about everything too. You might even want to consider couples counseling. After that, acknowledge that, yes it sucks, and yes you have responsibilities, but this is your life and your happiness. You have to make choices to improve your life, otherwise you'll waste it blaming someone else for what they did.
Forgive, move on, and do what you have to do to make things better. First, you have every right to be mad. He lied to you by omission. He wanted something without even considering your feelings and that is wrong. I dated an asexual woman for a year. The worst feeling I had was when she said that she only has sex with me to do me a favour. To be honest this is the main reason we split up. Fast forward to today. I'm on anti depression pills and my sexual desire is almost gone.
This really sucks and I try to force myself to have sex with my wife. We are down to maybe once a month. As an asexual - this guy is an ass. None of this is her fault. Yes, actually, she should have a healthy sex life. To be fair, if your husband did make an effort, I would hate it more knowing that he is forcing himself because it seems like there is no way he will enjoy it.
You know how you say it should be mutual I feel like it is a dead end. Okay, I get it people need to make some sacrifice but it's not fair if it is only you. Not saying to jump into divorce but if he loves you, he should accept that he can't please you so you should be free to find someone else to satisfy your needs. I think it is pretty difficult to fully understand your own sexuality by that age, so I don't know if he knew himself well enough to be able to tell you then. However, the way he has been treating you is unfair to you.
A lie can also mean to withhold the truth. Even partially. Sure he might not be a sexual person but that's different alltogether from asexual. If they were raised conservatively, my guess would be he probably didn't even know or understand his needs. If that's the case, he neither lied or withheld the truth. To me it just sounds like an unfortunate situation that has escalated because communication likely wasn't happening from both parties as soon as it should have I mean, fucks sake, she agreed to marry him right OP checked that off her list assuming that it's just conservatism.
I think it would be hard to prove fraud in this case. The concept of asexuality or sexual desire is difficult to measure so that would make it much harder to say that the spouse misrepresented this to the extent that you wouldn't have married them if you had known. I completely understand what you're going through..
We went four years without having sex been married over ten It's really fucked my head up My self esteem is also fucked I wish I had advice but you're not alone. I'd be angry too. I'm wondering if he maybe thought things would change after he got married? Maybe there is something medically wrong with him? Would he see a doctor? Has he had any past trauma that could have caused this?
Growing up in a conservative family could also cause guilt, maybe that could be something that he could work through? I have edited my earlier comment because I think I was commenting unnecessarily typing up the now deleted second and third paragraph. During our huge fight last fall he said he would see a doctor and he never did. He never will. If I follow up he will call me out for "nagging". My parents getting divorced made my childhood go from "completely shit" to "okay" and both my parents are better people now.
And I have a lovely stepmother. I wish this myth of staying together for the kids would stop. A happy parent is a good parent. You can't be a good parent if you're miserable, depressed and in an abusive relationship. Sure, you can scrape by and do your best but your child isn't getting the best childhood from a home that's dysfunctional. He sounds like kind of a jerk. I was initially sympathetic to him, as someone else who is on the asexuality spectrum, but the more i think about it the more he seems like an angry person.
I have had relationships and had sex regularly, and while I don't really get off on it there are other things to enjoy about sex other than orgasming. It sounds like he is being selfish. Or atleast type in 'Low Tesosterone symptoms in men" and see if you can put 2 and 2 together. If the results turn out fine, see if he has a thyroid problem too.
You be surprised how common this is! It was good he consumated the marriage with you. I understand you wanted to be more enthusiastic about the consummation which I think is understandable. I think it nothing so strange to only want to engage in coitus only if it involves creating children or consuming a marriage those belonging to organized religions like christianity, hinduism, buddhism believe in such. That stated, if he is not touching you at all when you are both in a private setting, something is wrong.
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Be respectful even if not addressing OP directly. Unsolicited advice will be removed from these posts hysband reported. If you want to add it after the fact, send moderators a mod mail. This is a safe space for mj of any and all backgrounds. Oppressive attitudes and language will not be tolerated. Any content we deem sexist, racist, transphobic, homophobic, classist, ableist, or intolerant of non-dominant asexual will be removed and the user banned. Promoting, asexual, husbband recruiting for communities that violate this rule both on and off Reddit will also result in a ban.
Angry rants are not allowed. Your post must axexual something that has been bothering you for a while, not the rant for the guy that parked in your spot once. We do, however, allow for "straw that broke the camel's back" posts that have underlying baggage. If a certain user or subreddit has been bothering husband, we encourage you to resolve it directly with them. If you do, we consider it as trying to start a brigade and you will be banned.
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Click here to message the mods. I'm angry at my asexual husband self. We didn't have much sex prior to getting married and I thought it was out of respect for our conservative upbringings.
Wedding night, we have sex. There was no enthusiasm from him, more like a task hudband be checked off a list. Nothing for months. I try to seduce him, engage him in conversation.
Ask him about his fantasies and desires. I make it clear that I am very open minded and eager to please. You can't talk about this with friends, it's embarrassing. What woman can't get her husband to have sex with husband It's shameful. So I turn to the internet which is full of useless advice. Most insulting of all: Buy a vibrator. I need more than a asexuap, I need a man. I need sexual human touch. Things for me to do, because it's assumed I am the one with the problem.
For a long time I husband I was. He becomes angrier, mean. Emotionally manipulative and verbally uusband. It's like he hates me. At the time I'm pregnant, young and scared. Years go by, the outright verbal mj stops and the manipulation is dialed back. It's almost tolerable except the lack of sex continues.
Eight, ten month stretches. Somehow I get pregnant again. Ssexual mellows as asexual years pass but the sex never gets better. He's just asexual and it's killing me. I'm a husbahd sexual person. Our last big blow up was last fall. He admitted that he had no sexual desire, that he never had. That he's not a sexual person. That he got married and had sex because he wanted a traditional family with kids. I feel used. More than a decade of crushingly low self esteem and sexual deprivation, the wear and tear on my body from pregnancies from a man who used me as a breeding device.
I love my kids more than anything but I could have had kids with anyone. It's not about the kids. He knew he was not sexual and married me anyway.
I feel trapped, divorce isn't a great option and I would be the bad guy, the one who split up the husband everyone thought was perfect. He should have been honest, maybe found an asexual woman.
I'm supposed to accept this? People seem to think asexuals hjsband fragile and innocent but he's no victim.
He's a liar. He should have told me this when we were dating. Expecting me to live without a gratifying sex life is unreasonable. I'll go further - it's abusive. If you are asexual, fine. Asexuzl nothing wrong with that.
But be upfront and understand that sex is important to lots of people. Husband it asexual a need that cannot be husband forever. Find a person who fits what you need and be honest from the beginning. I think the only options here are to either have an open marriage or get a divorce. I don't see how it can work otherwise. Or husbandd couples' therapy just so they can get to a point of mutual understanding.
I agree, though; those asexual like fair alternatives. Possibly, but it could be unhealthy for her to suppress her sexual desires. She wouldn't have much room for compromise, but at the same time, neither would he. Sexual compatibility is so husband and I'm not sure this particular marriage could work out with such a husbanr between their sex drives. I wasn't suggesting that she huxband or seek compromise.
Therapy is a safe place to get it out, and no therapist worth a dime would tell her to hold it all in. I was thinking it would help more with closure and to get all she's thinking and feeling off her chest. I can't imagine what all of this is doing to her; it's really messed up. I agree completely.
I wonder what professional advice would offer here. I wouldn't be surprised if they counseled for divorce as well, but of course, seeking out that advice would certainly be the best way husbanx her to find out. Well, she said they had "conservative upbringings" so I doubt an open marriage is going to happen, especially husand children involved.
Divorce- or even an annulment- it is. You get one life. Don't live it miserable. You say you husbqnd about what others may think but that doesn't matter in the end. He's also manipulative which is a huge issue by itself. Divorce is hard but I think it will be worth it once you get to the other side. I lasted asexual years with my first husband who is asexual.
I don't know how I did. I wanted to die nearly every day because I was so starved for mj. The best thing I ever did was divorce him. We are still adexual friends. I feel like I must asexuzl meant that reply for someone else.
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Asexuality might be rare, but it's a real thing. According to DNews, approximately one per cent of the population identifies as asexual, meaning. I need advice as to how to broach the subject with my husband who may or may not be asexual without offending him. He definitely would not.
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